10 Tips to Survive the Holidays with Infertility
Everywhere you look the holiday season is portrayed as a special time for family. It’s a time to gather, a time to share food and connect. With many countries opening up after lockdown we almost feel obliged to attend family events. One woman I spoke to recently said she was almost hoping for a holiday lockdown so she could get out of the annual family gathering. Her office Xmas party has just been cancelled and she’s so relieved.
Here’s the thing - when you’re dealing with fertility challenges the questions from well meaning family/friends can be hard - but isolating ourselves at home with Holiday movies can really impact your mental health.
There is a middle ground, so that you can still fill up our basic human need to connect with others while also minding your mind. Here’s some ways to help yourself during the holidays.
Be selective about the invitations you accept - get comfortable declining events with people who are hard to be around.
In the days before the event instead of mentally rehearsing how you’re going to respond to ‘that’ question and keeping your stress response going, intentionally redirect your focus on the aspects you’re looking forward to dessert, catching up with a favorite cousin.
On the drive there practice slow breathing. This will settle your nervous system and reduce any anxiety.
Take a moment or two sitting in the car and drop down into your body. With a kind and curious attitude notice what’s happening in your body right now. Notice if your stomach is churning in anticipation. Allow it to be there. What else do you notice? Are there areas in your body that feel good?
If there’s an unexpected pregnancy announcement or other triggering discussions mentally do the Self Compassion Break and offer yourself some kind of nurturing touch (place one hand over the other - it looks less obvious than putting your hand over your heart. (You’ll find this micro meditation practice in the FertileMind App).
Alcohol can intensify emotions so take it easy with the spiked egg nog.
Excuse yourself, go sit in the loo for a minute and breathe.
Decide on a secret sign with your partner so if it’s all gets to be too much you can make a quick exit.
Make an intention to enjoy the night - control the controllables. Waiting for other people, external circumstances to change before you let yourself be happy is an exercise in futility. The only thing you have full control over is your attitude. When you decide to be happy despite what’s happening outside of yourself…despite these challenges…despite your best friend’s pregnancy announcement your life changes in ways you can’t imagine.
If you’re feeling particularly vulnerable - stay home - this is a form of self care - and don’t feel the need to explain yourself to anyone.
Practice mindful acceptance (not the acceptance of your diagnosis but the acceptance of your feelings and emotions). Once you know that thoughts are not facts, you can create a little distance between them so they don’t keep hijacking your happiness. When you stop using avoidance as a coping mechanism (it’s sooo not good for your long term health) you take your life off hold…you have more headspace to go to the party, take the dance lessons….take your life off hold and start living again. It also means all of that energy you spend on distracting yourself or avoiding situations and even emotions is now freed up to spend on making your life more enjoyable - with or without a baby.
In the days leading up to the event use the Preparing for Special Events visualization in the FertileMind App.
