How Shame Impacts Fertility

For many infertility can be a solo journey. You may have a partner who is supportive and caring but unless you’re both experiencing fertility challenges it can feel quite lonely. And when you’ve been told you have a wonky uterus, wonky tubes etc shame tends to be a close companion looking over your shoulder constantly.

Shame has been referred to as an important emotion in the experience of infertility, related to a sense of loss of control over the body, feelings of personal exposure, of being a sexual failure or defective in some way (Petok, 2006). Shame is an emotional experience that seems to be a key component to one's self-identity being associated with the feels of being undesirable, defective, worthless and powerless. (You’re going to find ‘unworthiness’ as a commonly recurring theme for people coping with infertility).

External and Internal Shame

External shame is usually experienced with thoughts and feelings that we don’t quit measure up in the minds of (friends/family). That they see you as unworthy, unlikeable or that insidious feeling that if they knew the real you (the flawed, imperfect you - like the rest of us) they would never want to be friends with you. Essentially you’d be cast out of the ‘group’ (so as an evolutionary response it worked well - being cast out of the group meant death). But that was then and this is now. Although in some countries such as India it’s not unusual for family members to intentionally shame women who are having difficulties becoming pregnant.

Internal shame is the perception of yourself as unworthy or flawed. Self criticism is very common. Most people experiencing infertility experience both types of shame. You feel vulnerable because you believe the thought that others think badly of you and then you attack yourself frequently with self judgment and self criticism - how’s that for a sH!t storm of negativity!

Shame thrives in secrecy and makes us feel unworthy and unlovable - those feelings of unworthiness breed disconnection so we distance ourselves emotionally from friends and family.

Shame sounds a lot like:

It’s my own fault I shouldn’t have had that termination when I was 21.

I drank too much in my 20’s - this is payback for not taking care of myself better.

Why would my partner want to stay with me - I’m defective.

I know they think I…..

Shame researcher Brene Brown defines shame this way. “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Brown also contrasts guilt (“I did something bad”) with shame (“I am bad”).

Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. There’s a saying in A.A, “you’re only as sick as your secrets.” When we shine a spotlight on shame it loses it’s power.

The Antidote to Shame is Self Compassion

When it comes to shame and infertility we need to bring out the big guns and kill it with curiosity and kindness.

Curiosity

As you’ve already learned mindfulness is the beginning of being curious about your mind and noticing what’s happening in there. Start to notice those feelings - check are they true? Start here if you haven’t already read about the FertileMind approach. We have to walk before we run so self compassion begins with 'noticing’. Without the noticing (awareness) that we’re experiencing feelings of shame we can’t bring use the tools of self compassion to dissolve it.

Self compassion has been identified as an important source of resilience, mood regulation and shame reduction and although most people know that self compassion is important a lot of us have a hard time putting it into practice. There’s a misconception that if we’re kind to ourselves that we’ll lose our edge or we’ll be taken advantage of. But how’s all that criticism and self judgment working our for you?

It can be hard to give up what’s familiar to us even when it’s destructive, but how about trying on some self compassion as an experiment. Ironically self compassion means you tend to your shame, distress, grief etc the same way a mother would tend to her distraught infant - gentle, understanding and kind. You can mother yourself in a way that nurtures every part of you - even the parts you don’t like. Just like shame is an unwanted companion to infertility so acceptance can become a welcome companion to self compassion.

Take some time to go through the shame module in your FertileMind app and read the section on shame in your FertileMind book especially if you feel this is something you’re having difficulty with (be gentle with yourself).

Tracy