Change How You Cope with Infertility and Get Pregnant Faster.

Years ago when I worked in the corporate world we had one of those awful team building exercises and management had us take a personality test you might have heard of - Meyers Briggs. It’s supposed to give you insights into your personality as well as other staff so team members understand each other better. But there’s quite a bit of debate about how scientifically valid it is - with some researchers suggesting the characteristics measured by the test have little predictive power of how productive you’ll be in your job, how happy you’ll be or even if your marriage will last. (I’m an ENFJ).

You might be surprised to learn that the way you deal with your infertility (known as your infertility stress coping style) predicts your stress levels and your quality of life. There are several validated tools for IRS (Infertility Related Stress) - honestly could they have chosen a more stressful acronym? Infertility Specific Stress (is also commonly used). Like many of you reading this, active avoidance was my coping mechanism of ‘choice’. (I guess I learned this from an early age so it’s just my habit of thought now) and it’s a habit you want to kick - soon.

Over recent years we’ve learned that we all have different emotional coping strategies as well as cognitive strategies. Let’s look at both and see if you see yourself in any of these and how you can start to cultivate a healthier approach to get pregnant faster.

EMOTIONAL COPING STRATEGIES - ACTIVE AVOIDANCE

What does an active avoidant coping strategy look like?

You avoid situations that have the potential to make you feel bad, I get that. Nobody wants to hurt themselves willingly. It’s a protective strategy. That could be distracting yourself from feeling upset by heading to the fridge (again) more online shopping, scrolling mindlessly for hours on social media, and exercising excessively (distraction is a big part). You stop accepting invitations to family gatherings, you start avoiding your sister who gets pregnant when she sneezes etc etc….I’m sure you recognize yourself in some of these activities. But you can’t avoid life forever or wrap yourself in cotton wool to avoid being triggered.

What can you do about it?

As a short-term quick fix, avoidance and distraction aren’t necessarily bad things but as a long term way to deal with infertility it’s associated with more stress, more marriage challenges and more depression. A 2021 study by Swift et al found that women who use this copying style had lower levels of hair cortisol, indicating dysfunction of the endocrine and nervous system and was associated with higher levels of marital stress and lower quality of life.

Cortisol is supposed to be a short-term solution to an immediate physical threat - but when it’s going on for months it’s poison to your brain and body. This is a false economy - you’re avoiding the stressor but increasing your stress. (Seems bloody unfair!)

So although it might seem like a short-term benefit to avoiding anything that makes you feel uncomfortable avoidant coping is associated with less successful IVFs.. As a long term strategy - ‘meaning based’ coping such as reframing the stressor in a positive light, to manage infertility stress was an important coping strategy in their study. I do NOT mean pretending to be happy-clappy at that baby shower. These feelings are real and deserve to be honoured. Mindfulness is considered a meaning-based style of coping and is associated with improved quality of life while you’re going through treatments. And equally important - it’s been shown to reduce distress for those women who don’t conceive.

COGNITIVE COPING STYLES

A Problem-solving coping style is also associated with more successful IVF cycles. You’re probably doing a lot of this already - supplements, exercise, nutrient-dense foods etc.

The Practice of Mindful Acceptance - What It Is and What It Isn’t

First of all, what I’m talking about here is not just any old acceptance. We’re talking about mindful acceptance. It’s about accepting your feelings and reactions to your infertility, not about simply accepting your infertility. Thoughts are not facts. This idea is fundamental to this concept. Thoughts are not facts. You don’t have to believe everything you think - in fact the sooner you start to repeat this mantra to yourself the quicker you’ll reduce any negative habits of thought (“I’ll never become pregnant…I’ll never be happy etc etc…”).

As you practice mindfulness in the FertileMind App you’ll learn that you are not your thoughts and they are not you. They are passing mental events. You don’t have to believe everything you think. Once you acknowledge that thoughts are not facts, no matter how real they feel, you can create a little distance between them so they don’t hijack your happiness. When you stop using avoidance as a coping mechanism you start to take your life off hold…you have more headspace to go to the party, take the dance lessons…to start living again.

It also means all of that energy you currently spend on distracting yourself or avoiding situations (even your own emotions) is now freed up to spend on making your life more enjoyable - with or without a baby. Acceptance lets you take back more control of your life ad start living again. In research on people reflecting on their journey there’s a common theme that both men and women agreed on - the importance of taking back control—control they felt they had relinquished in the pursuit of a pregnancy. They talked about the importance of taking back their bodies and getting on with their lives.

“Every month you’re sort of waiting, waiting and waiting... only to be disappointed again . . . and before you realize it you’ve put your life on hold for five or six years. I think there will always be a part of me that’s going to resent the fact that I missed . . . lost some part of my life. Like there’s all that time when trying to find answers was my focus...I should have been . . . like I could have had a fuller life in that time”. (Daniluk 2001)

Start with the FertileMind app fundamentals class (in the app) and build up to acceptance - this is a skill you develop with practice. If possible, consider finding a therapist who specializes in ACT therapy (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) for professional support.

Tracy