Mindfulness, Infertility and Grief
Despite the good intentions of others - you can’t ‘relax’ away the feelings of grief of infertility.
We all experience grief differently. Grief that accompanies an infertility diagnosis, the loss of our dreams... the loss of hope...these painful emotions can overwhelm us as we wade into what can feel like the quicksand of infertility. For some, there’s also the grief of pregnancy loss or the grief of yet another BFN.
A Mindful Approach to Grief
The practice of mindfulness can help you feel more emotionally balanced and make meaning from this loss. Mindfulness allows us to move through grief without denying our pain and without judgement. Many women with infertility have difficulty finding others who really understand the depth of their grief and for many infertility remains a big part of their lives and they continue to grieve even after stopping fertility treatments.
Recent research suggests a significant decrease in grief, anxiety, depression, and difficulties in emotion regulation after 8 weeks of mindfulness practice. Being able to notice grief reactions with compassion and emotional acceptance and non judgement brings you back to the present. You’re becoming more skilled at emotionally regulating your state throughout the day. It’s not easy…and sometimes when starting a mindfulness practice those emotions can feel even more powerful as you begin to notice them more. When we actively regulate our emotions and notice when the mind is telling unhelpful ‘stories’ we reduce stress levels and feelings of overwhelm while also supporting healthy sleep patterns. It’s easy to get caught up in ruminating (repeated negative thought patterns) when grieving - being able to notice when that’s happening shortens that experience and it’s impact on your physiology and mood. It also helps you develop more resilience to continue treatments. A high percentage of people give up ART due to the emotional distress they experience - even when they can afford medical assistance.
An Invisible Grief
Support from friends/family can be an important coping mechanism but as you may have experienced a lot of people keep their infertility journey to themselves due to stigma, even when there is support available making grieving even more difficult. And even when you have support around you not everyone really GETS how painful the grief of infertility can be.
Grieving the loss of hopes and dreams is quite different to the grief of losing a loved one as it’s an invisible grief, there’s no rituals that usually surround us during a time of loss. It’s known as ‘disenfranchised’ grief. Disenfranchised grief occurs when someone suffers a loss “that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported” - making that loss even more challenging to process. In research one woman described her experience of infertility - “that each month brought on a new death.”
A man and a woman awaiting the results of pregnancy test in a pensive state
Ways You Can Support Yourself
If you’re having a particularly tough day use the Self Compassion break in the FertileMind App to interrupt those challenging thoughts and emotions before you feel overwhelmed.
Take a few mindful breaths to reduce overwhelm and notice where those feelings are most intense in your body. Dropping down into the body reduces mental activity (usually the cause of many of these difficult moments).
Next name or label the emotion - grief, pain, hurt, sadness.
If it feels right - apply the RAIN framework.
Reach out to close friends who understand what you’re going through.
If applicable to your circumstances, listen to the Pregnancy Loss collection in the FertileMind App.
